No, Your Therapist Can't Be Your Friend

In the past couple of weeks, I have heard too many horror stories about therapists befriending their patients. First, I heard about a therapist attending her patient's birthday party and commenting on how she knew a lot about the people present! Then I saw online that a therapist engaged in a friendship with her client's parents. These stories make me cringe! First, they go against our ethical obligations not to engage in "dual relationships" or relationships that coincide with the therapeutic one.

Over the years, I've had many patients ask me why they can't be friends with me. It goes deeper than ethical obligations. In order for a therapist to be effective they must maintain their boundaries.

Boundaries in psychology are defined as "anything that marks a limit" and can include the physical, mental, and spiritual spheres of our life. For instance, asking a friend not to tease you about a physical quality that you're embarrassed of is a boundary. Or asking a lover to commit not to sleep with anyone else besides you is another boundary.

Boundaries are important because they keep us safe and healthy. Many, many people struggle with boundaries and that includes therapists too! Boundaries take on special significance in the therapeutic relationship and its critical that your therapist learn to set healthy, firm, and flexible boundaries.

Boundaries are important because in order for a therapist to be effective they must maintain their objectivity. And in order to maintain their objectivity, they must keep a healthy level of distance from you. Remember the old saying "You can't see the forest for the trees." When a patient enters therapy they are "in the trees", so to speak, and its up to the therapist to see the entire forest so they can help them navigate through. If we get too close, we enter the forest with you and end up only seeing the trees.

Its normal, as a patient, to want to push against the boundaries your therapist sets and, in many cases, is part of the therapeutic process. It's up to your therapist to maintain those boundaries in a loving and enhancing way. It's the only way we can truly help you on your journey.

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