Let's talk about our Self-Talk

"You live with your thoughts, so be careful what they are." ~Eva Arrington~

One of the major contributors to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and stress is our self-talk. Self-talk is the thoughts or chatter you hear inside your head. For many of us, our self-talk can be automatic, negative, repetitive, and causes feelings of sad, hopelessness, worry, or regret. Oftentimes, it is the voice of a parent or caregiver and follows their tendencies whether thats judgment, worry, or perfectionism.

Our brain is a habit and pattern machine. Patterns and habits are how we make sense of the world and how we are able to move through complicated spaces with relative ease. Once you do or think something, you are beginning to develop a habit in the brain. Each time you repeat a behavior or thought you make it easier to do it again and again. Think of it as muscle memory but for your thoughts and emotions.

Its very easy for this negative self-talk to become habitual and will thoughts can play on repeat without you even noticing it or meaning to. These negative thought loops are a huge contributor to negative feelings and this concept is the basis of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. If we can change your thoughts, we can change your feelings.

Modifying our self-talk is a critical piece of recovery from almost any type of mental illness. This can be monotonous work and it can be hard to know where to start. Below are a few tips on overcoming your thoughts patterns:

1. Raise your awareness

The first step to changing your self-talk is to raise awareness about your existing patterns. I recommend writing down any insights so you can remember and review them later either by yourself or with your therapist. Beware! Its easy, as you gain more insight into your thoughts, to feel discouraged or even sad about your negative thoughts. This is normal and should be shared with the people who support you.

2. Gain some perspective

The next step is to find a way to gain a little distance and objectivity from your thoughts. The best way to do this, in my opinion, is through mindfulness and meditation. Meditation helps to build your mindfulness skills and makes staying present much easier! (See an earlier post on mindfulness here.) Mindfulness helps you to stand back from your thoughts and see things more clearly. Coupled together they can give you a major boost on improving your emotional regulation skills.

3. Thought Modification

This stage of the process can get very monotonous but is critical if you want to overcome your negative thoughts. Thought modification involves beginning to consciously change your repetitive, negative self-talk with more positive statements.

For example, I struggle with thinking negative thoughts about going to work even though I love what I do! I think about how tired I'm going to be, how I'd rather stay home, etc. Lately, I've been consciously thinking positive statements about why I'm grateful to run my own business and do something I love. This shift has drastically improved my mood and energy level throughout the day and makes my time more enjoyable.

4. Building Positive Thought Patterns

Its not enough to merely replace your negative thoughts, you should also build new, positive thought patterns. Repeating Step 3 with various thought loops will help. You could also write down positive affirmations and post them in places you see a lot like your bathroom mirror or in your car. Loving-kindness meditation is another great option for building more positive thought patterns and is a great complement to mindfulness meditation.

Thought modification is important but often difficult work. Be patient. It takes time to see results and can be a two-steps-forward, two-steps-back type of process. Work through any discouragement and try to trust the process. Seek support either with friends on in on-line support groups.

Thought modification can sound daunting but by increasing your awareness, gaining some perspective, thought modification, and building positive thoughts patterns you'' begin to feel a change.

If you find that your thoughts are resistant to change and you feel out of control, seek help. A good therapist can walk you through the process and provide other helpful suggestions.

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