Let's Talk About Our Toxic Friends
We all deal with toxic people at some point in our life, whether they’re friends, lovers, bosses, or family. The people who only call to talk about their problems, or to borrow something, or who make you feel bad when you talk to them. We can’t always avoid them completely which means we must learn ways to mitigate their impact.
Most of us have read the studies on the power of positive social support. People with more of it live longer, are healthier, and generally lead more fulfilling lives. Positive support also helps with recovery from many illnesses and is considered a protective factor that boosts one's resiliency to the challenges we inevitably face.
The most critical piece of information in this research, however, is about the impact of perceived “negative support” or the people in your life who are toxic. Empirical research has indicated that the effects of negative support is more harmful than positive support is beneficial. That means your toxic relationships are hurting you more than your healthy relationships are helping you.
This concept is key to mental well-being. Its okay to cut off your toxic friendships if they are hurting you or exacerbating your issues. Its okay to set boundaries with needy or draining people so you can have time for yourself (even if you’re just doing nothing!) Even if these people are old friends or family, it’s not only okay but imperative that you put up firm boundaries to protect yourself. This can mean only seeing them for certain periods of time, not seeing them at all, seeing them once a week, whatever works for you.
It might also mean having to have some difficult conversations with the people in your life about how their behavior affects you. These types of conversations are often met with defensiveness or blame and can leave you feeling guilty and confused. Just remember, unhealthy people won’t normally react well to healthy boundaries, but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong. In fact, a true friend would want to respect your boundaries and not cause you distress!
Cleaning up your support network can also mean cutting people out of your life, especially if you’ve already set boundaries and they aren’t being respected. This can be painful and you will still miss them, even after you begin to feel better due to the absence of their negative energy. I cut a very close friend off this year and, despite feeling like it’s the right decision, I still miss her terribly.
The key is paying attention to how people affect you negatively and finding ways to mitigate that effect. Your well-being is too important to allow it be damaged by people not willing to respect your boundaries and improve their behavior.
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