Emotional Abuse IS Abuse

In my therapy practice, I see a lot of couples and individuals dealing with relationship problems. One thing that has shocked me the most is how many folks are actually dealing with emotional abuse and don't even realize it.

Emotional abuse is a hugely under-reported and under-recognized problem that plagues many of our relationships: from our lovers, parents, to even our friends. Emotional abuse can contribute to many of the same issues experienced by victims of physical or sexual abuse but the problem is not nearly as recognized.

This can lead people who have been emotionally abused and have normal reactions to it, to think something is wrong with them. They tend to minimize or rationalize the behavior and when comparing their situation to those in physically or sexually violent relationships, think they don't have anything to complain about. This can lead to a cycle of guilt, low self-esteem, and shame.

The fact is emotional abuse is real, pervasive, and can contribute to issues ranging from shock and confusion, to low self-esteem, to depression and substance abuse. It is also a subject on which most people are woefully under-educated so it can be hard to identify and heal from. Many people in your life might reinforce patterns of denial, minimization, and rationalization when it comes to emotionally abusive behaviors. This is why it's so important to be educated on the topic.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines abuse as "a pattern of behavior used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship." Notice how there is no specification that physical or sexual violence be present. The key to abuse is this: your partner's behavior is being used to control or maintain their power over you. Warning signs of emotional abuse include:

Calling you names, insulting you, or continually criticizing you
Refusing to trust you and acting jealous/possessive
Trying to isolate you from and acting jealous/possessive
Monitoring where you go, who you call, or who you spend time wiht
Demanding to know where you are every minute
Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
Using weapons to threaten you
Punishing you by withholding affection or communication (the silent treatment)
Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family, or pets
Damaging property when they're angry
Humiliating you in anyway
Blaming you for the abuse
Gaslighting (causing you to question your own feelings, instincts, and sanity which gives the abusive partner a lot of power)
Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of any outside relationship
Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for their behavior
Cheating on your intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you
Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how you style your hair, how much or little make-up you wear, etc.
Telling you that you will never find anyone better

Reviewing this list was shocking even for me because many of these behaviors are so common in relationships. I believe that most of us have been or will be emotionally abused at some point in our lives. It is critical that we learn how to identify emotional abuse, set healthy boundaries, and get help to heal.

If you or someone you know might be in an emotionally abusive situation, get help! Emotional abuse can often be a precursor for more serious abuse down the line. Also, check out the power and control wheel below for more specific information on how abuse can present in a relationship.