Take Out Your Emotional Trash

Eva* is a smart and attractive woman. She has a master’s degree and great job but struggles in her personal life. She seems to attract and date men who aren’t capable of giving her half of what she needs or deserves. Eva feels mistrustful of men and can be defensive even with men who demonstrate their trustworthiness. She ends up pushing away the very thing she so desperately wants. Due, at least partly, to the build-up of what I like to call emotional trash.

Jake* is also smart and attractive. He works in construction management and, on paper, looks like the perfect candidate for managing large-scale projects. The problem is his temper. He is an authoritarian boss who is rigid and irascible. His constant criticism and unstable emotions cause his projects to be constantly held up with personnel issues. Jake doubts himself at times but can’t seem to stop getting angry and irritated with his employees. Again this is, at least partly, due to his emotional trash.

All of us have “emotional trash” or the resentments, fears, and traumas that build up over the years and through our experiences. These issues can contribute to all types of negative feelings and problematic behaviors like anger, substance abuse, or interpersonal difficulties. Unfortunately, unlike physical trash, most of us aren’t taught how to take it out.

Emotional trash is like physical trash in two key ways: 1) It builds up unless we take it out and 2) the longer we let it sit, the nastier it gets. Imagine if you left your trash at the side of your house sit for a year or two. You’d come outside one day to a huge, overwhelming, and disgusting mess that you wouldn’t know what to do with! But that is exactly how many of us deal with the emotional buildup caused by the dings and hurts in life. For some of us, our emotional trash has been building for decades.

The first question I normally get when using this analogy is how do I take my emotional trash out? What would that look like? That’s a great question. Each person is different so there will be variations on what works best for each of us but below are 6 ideas to get you started.

1. Increase insight and awareness into patterns, habits, and routines
All of us have thought and behavior patterns, habits, and routines that have developed over time. Some are effective and allow us to move through a complicated world relatively easy. Others, however, become maladaptive and must be changed.

Keeping an eye on our patterns, habits, and routines can show us many areas for growth. Digging deeper and thinking about how these items developed and what their initial utility was can give us a peek into our subconscious.

2. Get it out - talk about it, write about, sing about, paint it, something…
One of the most critical ways of dealing with your emotional build-up is to get it out. There are many ways to do this. You can talk to a trusted friend or therapist. You can write about it, sign a song about it, or paint a picture of it.

The key here is to achieve a sense of release or catharsis that many people find enjoyable and helpful on their journey. Oftentimes, however, cathartic experiences only impact us for so long before we need another one. It’s helpful to include one on a regular basis but the frequency is up to your personal needs and can range from daily to monthly or as often as you possibly can.

3. Identify problematic habits and make a plan to change them
After increasing your awareness into your patterns in Step 1, you can make a list of those patterns, habits, and routines that you see as currently ineffective and prioritize them by the impact they have on your life. Then start attacking them one by one.

This process will take intention and patience but is well worth it. You can find a ton of information online for specific issues and do self-study. You can find support groups on Reddit or Facebook. You can even see a therapist to coach you through the process. The important thing is that you work at it over time and persist despite setbacks or discouragement.

4. Intentionally foster positivity, gratitude, and compassion
As I’ve said in other posts, it’s not usually enough to just stop negative habits, it’s also important to cultivate positive ones. I consider positivity, gratitude, and compassion as keystone habits or habits that, when fostered, will positively impact other habits. Fostering these three attributes can have a positive impact on your emotions, relationships, behavior, and quality of life.

You can pretty easily begin to foster these attributes in your daily life with some simple steps. I use positive affirmations. I write them on sticky notes and put them in places I see a lot (bathroom mirror, car, computer, etc) or even my phone wallpaper. Gratitude lists are a great option. You just take the time to list 3-10 things you’re grateful for each day. You can also intentionally try to see the good in situations, even bad ones (especially bad ones!) Another idea, is to practice loving-kindness meditation which can help build feelings of compassion for self and others. Try a few things out and see what works best for you!

5. Practice mindfulness, meditation, & yoga
I know I talk about this stuff a lot but that’s because I’ve seen it’s power to help people achieve mental wellness. Mindfulness, meditation, and yoga are accessible and easy-to-implement practices that have a big bang for their buck.

5-15 minutes of meditation or yoga a day can have a huge impact on your emotional regulation, interpersonal skills, and behavior management. Meditation and yoga benefit each individual person in a myriad of ways, the full range of which is too much for this article. (You can find more here and here ) This means you can make a relatively small investment of time to get big results. They’re the perfect accompaniment to any recovery program and a keystone of wellness.

6. Develop healthy lifestyle habits
A healthy lifestyle means you’ve achieved wellness in various domains of your life including physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual, environmental, and occupational. It also means you balance these areas and try not to neglect one for another too much.

Again you want to increase insight, target ineffective habits, and intentionally build healthier ones to see results. It’s helpful to write this down. You can find wellness pie charts depicting the various domains so you can identify goals. Hang it somewhere you’ll see to remind you of what you’re working for.

Learning to effectively deal with your emotional trash can be the difference between continued frustrations, failures, or disappointments and a more fulfilling, healthy life. No one likes feelings of resentment, shame, or fear but most of us are never taught how to effectively manage them. Don’t let your trash continue to poison you and negatively impact your life.

You can start chipping away at that trash pile today by increasing your insight into personal patterns, habits, and routines; getting it out; identifying problematic habits and making a plan to change them; intentionally fostering positivity, gratitude, and compassion; practicing mindfulness, meditation, or yoga; and developing healthy lifestyle habits. It may sound like a lot of work but the payoff is huge. And you’re worth the work ;)

If you want to stay connected sign up for the email list below, submit feedback here, or follow me on Instagram.