This past weekend was my birthday and although it wasn’t perfect (more on that later) it was a great reminder of how important it is to learn to tolerate negative emotions.

This is not a popular statement. Most people just want to get rid of their negative emotions and live happy all the time. Unfortunately, that will never happen.

I often talk to my patients about the importance of learning to tolerate their emotional discomfort. Feelings like loneliness or sadness or guilt. Sure we also talk about coping skills to reduce these feelings but the truth is no matter how healthy of a person you are, you’re going to have negative and uncomfortable feelings.

Life is a mixture of good and bad. Any life and every life. This is the balance of the universe. We need dark times to appreciate the good just like we need loneliness to appreciate what our partner brings to our life.

Negative feelings are inevitable and aren’t necessarily an indication of something sick or wrong with you. In fact, a lot of the problematic behaviors people engage in are actually attempts to regulate negative emotions or states of being. So it’s not the feeling that’s the problem, it’s our way of dealing with it (or not.)

This weekend I woke up on Sunday, the day after my birthday, and realized I had left my laptop at work. Now, my office is on the other side of town so it was a bit of a drive and I wasn’t too happy with myself. But I decided to shrug that irritation off and enjoy the ride.

Then, on the way home, my tire blows out on the freeway. Frustration rises again but I try to keep my thoughts helpful and accept what happened. I call for a tow and hope that they come quickly. Only to sit there for 4 MORE HOURS until roadside assistance got their shit together enough to find a company that would actually show up. All on my birthday weekend!

To say I got frustrated is an understatement. I was crying from frustration at one point. BUT I kept my cool, didn’t take it out on the customer service reps I talked to, and didn’t let it ruin the rest of my weekend.

See, I have learned over the years that nothing is perfect and all of our experiences, good and bad, end up being a mixed bag. Negative or uncomfortable situations and experiences are a part of life and being able to accept that fact helps me to focus on managing and tolerating them when they pop up.

So, I encourage you to learn to accept that ups and downs, good and bad are all a part of life. They’re all valuable and beautiful in their own way. Learn to accept them and learn to use them for your benefit. But first, learn to tolerate and manage those negative feelings so they don’t get in the way of your success.

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